Everyone wants to be liked and validated by others in some form or fashion. From a young leader all the way to a tenured executive, our actions and behaviors can be driven by the desire to be liked.
In our quest for validation, we can sometimes make some common mistakes that work against us. Here are 4 common mistakes that impact your liability and how you can address them for your personal success.
#1 You talk too much
Talking and listening can be an internal push and pull for people as they navigate conversations with others. People love to talk and share about themselves and a quick way to be more likable is to listen much more than you talk when you connect with others.
That intentionality in listening can create tension in the brain. It’s simultaneously focusing energy on paying attention while also alerting you to spots in the conversation to add your story, perspective, or other items to the conversation.
When you let the balance between listening and talking tip far into simply talking, you can quickly become less likable with others. They may see you as self-focused, uncaring, or not receptive to feedback.
#2 You ask too many questions
“Why?” It’s the question that nearly every parent of an over-curious child tires of hearing. There is a reason why the root-cause exercise is called the “5 Whys Technique” and not the 30 Whys Technique.
Asking questions and showing general interest in another person is great. It’s one of the secrets that we recommend to help make you more approachable and likable with others. Just like anything else in life, you can take the questioning too far and wear out your welcome in a hurry.
I’ve known several well-intentioned people over the years that have sabotaged themselves to various degrees by asking too many questions. Think back to the parent and child example; The parent is usually happy and even excited to engage with a little one when they ask a question in order to learn. it’s the continued line of questions that ends up getting the best of a parent and causes them to lose their composure.
Be aware of how much you are questioning others. If you see their engagement drop off as you further seek to understand, know that it is a sign to wrap it up. Continuing to ask questions further lowers your chance to get an authentic answer and adds to the impression that a person has about you.
#3 Weak storytelling
There is power in a good story. (EP 124) If you’ve ever been to a conference or religious service, you have a higher likelihood of remembering a personal story that they told instead of all three points that they presented at the time.
Storytelling that is not compelling serves the interest of the teller more than the audience or is overly canned can turn your audience off.
The story is not good: A good story should be one that the person can relate to on a personal level, short enough that they could tell it to someone else, and include something memorable enough that they could recall it a day later. Hone your stories and try them out with people you trust to figure out if it’s good enough or if it should be tweaked or outright discarded.
Serve the audience not yourself: Last year we did a show about Micheal Scott from the show the Office (EP 289). Later in the series, Micheal quits and goes back to tell his staff about it. They are super excited because Micheal finally has a story worth hearing and they are interested in how things went down. Instead of starting at the point that immediately leads up to the interaction, Michael starts out with every little mundane part of his day. He loved the attention, but his audience hated all the filler. Know what your audience wants the hear and cut the fat that only serves your own ego.
Expand your story collection: No doubt, people love an awesome story. They may even like it a second time. If they hear it several times, it loses power and actually can hurt your likability with others. The story will start to come across as insincere and inauthentic. Remember where and when you have shared stories with you aren’t constantly repeating yourself.
#4 Debating others
It seems we’ve come into a love/hate relationship with debating others. Think about the pandemic, vaccine, political and social issues that have rocked the world in the last 2 years and it feels likely everyone is debating each other. I love what Benjamin Franklin said about this topic over 200 years ago.
Say whatever you will, they’ll be sure to contradict you; and if you give reasons for your opinion, however just they may be or modestly proposed, you throw the other person into rage and passion. Though they may be unacquainted with the topic, and you are a master of it, it doesn’t matter. The more ignorant they are, the more sure they are in their standpoint.
Well doesn’t that just describe a social media post you ran across in the last couple of days? Be willing to lose the argument to win the person (EP 116) and not hurt your reputation in the process.
You can grow your charm and charisma (EP 227). Listen to what others have to say and don’t expose their shortcoming. Be mindful of these traps that can hurt your likability and help have more enjoyable conversations with others.
Make a better tomorrow.