Passive aggressive phrases are easy to roll off the tongue or the keyboard, but they often send mixed messages that others do not appreciate. When communication isn’t straightforward, tensions, misinterpretations, and or problems can find themselves creeping into the relationship. Some phrases that you throw into existence can even make your friends, family, co-workers, and leaders respect you less.
“If that’s what you want to do…”
This is a passive-aggressive statement that says, “I know better, but if you want to fail go right ahead.” It’s certainly not an encouraging or supportive statement. It can instill doubt in the other person and erode the relationship regardless of whether you are ultimately right or wrong.
The phrase is also a great way to stop any forward momentum or progress and immediately derail a conversation. Other similar phrases include, ” Just so you know….” and “For future reference….”
Try this: If you disagree with a direction or perspective, then just speak up and say so. People usually don’t try to go out of their way to make a decision that upsets you unless there is already a deeper issue involved. Lead the conversation with positive intent and ask yourself if they have all the resources, information, and support to make the best decision.
“Just a friendly reminder…”
Ahh the classic passive-aggressive attempt to get others to respond or take action. This phrase is an interesting one because how it is received is highly dependent on your level of relationship with the other person. If you have a solid working relationship with the receiver of the message, they may take it as a helpful reminder to do what is asked. For those that you don’t have a relationship with or are not in solid standing with, they will likely get annoyed and take your positive intent as being passive-aggressive.
A more aggressive version of this statement would be, “Per my last email,” “As previously stated,” and “As I mentioned before.” Regardless of the version, this type of statement can make you come across as bossy or nagging.
Try this: Being direct is the best way here as well. Saying something along the lines, “I wanted to follow up on this item since it’s due tomorrow.”
“Don’t take this the wrong way, but…”
When you say this phrase, you are communicating, “Hey I’ve got something to say that is likely going to offend you, but I’m going to share it anyway.” You are basically trying to cover your bases and excuse yourself for your own poor behavior that you are about to deal the other person. Flat out rude or at a minimum you aren’t thinking and framing the feedback up in the right way.
Feedback is good and it can be a gift to others. We all want to improve and be better after all. This is another great example of how the “What” and the “How” are perfectly balanced. In this case, the “What” is the actual feedback that you need to deliver and the “How” is the delivery method to successfully give the feedback to the other person.
Try this: Try opening up with curiosity and checking for timing. “Is now a good time for us to talk?” or “Is there a convenient time today that we cover feedback from the meeting?” I like the second example even more because it gives the persona a chance to mentally prepare for the conversation.
“Fine”, “Whatever” or “Got it”
These responses are a minefield for trouble. Both “got it,” and “fine” are so highly dependent on the tone and context of the conversation that they can be interpreted in many different ways. Sometimes that can be received as an acknowledgment and other times as “I’m done with this conversation. Go away.”
All three can be interpreted one way: dismissive. These are often said to the other person to let them know that you are upset, but they likely don’t know why that is. The receiver of the message is then forced to make a choice – Ignore you and keep the conversation going, drop the topic, or lean into the response and derail the conversation further.
Try this: Start the response by communicating why you are feeling the way that you are. “I’m a bit overwhelmed because I’ve got a couple of big deadlines today.” “I’m sorry that I’m feeling annoyed. This is an issue that I thought had been resolved.”
Passive-aggressive phrases have a way of weaving a web of misunderstanding that leads to more issues. Recognizing these phrases before they occur and then choosing to respond with tact and empathy is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships. As you address the underlying issues, you are showing some strong emotional intelligence and building a culture of open communication and mutual understanding.
Make a better tomorrow.
-ZH
